Midnight Thoughts

I met you when I was eighteen. Everything could happen in your eighteen of age. But, I don't know your story, so I'll tell you mine. In eighteen, I broke someone's heart. I laughed on the first day and cried on the next day. Eighteen weeks after that, I chose you to be my heartbreaker. Maybe someone who could break my heart next. You did. A couple times, hundreds. I counted. But, that's okay because I blew them away once you blew those blueberry juicy smoke to my lips. You broke my heart. Again. Mais, ton sourire moqueur... s'est emparè de mon ceour... But, your pretty smile captured my heart.  Connecting the pieces one by one. I have loved you since I was eighteen. I have fallen for you since our little rendezvous, and I won't stop since then.

Once my father told me, if I ever feel empty I should fill my heart with kindness and calmness will comes towards me. Once I saw you smoking your lungs out, I told you to stop and you blew even more smoke. The smell of the cigars filled the room. "This is how I fill emptiness," You said, You were right. You filled the emptiness of the room. But your eyes reminds empty. You wanted to cry but even the tears won't fill them. You've going through a lot of pain. I see it from yout scars

Minggu 28 April 2013 Keenan, kau bilang kau akan pulang. pukul 10 pagi, tidak kurang, tidak lebih. Pesawatmu akan mendarat di bandara kecil ini pada hari Minggu, 28 April 2013. Dengan senang hati aku menunggumu. Aku juga membawa serta coklat kesukaanmu. Kau selalu pusing sehabis terbang. Pukul 09.47 aku sudah menunggumu, sesekali menjinjit karena pandanganku terhalang oleh tubuh gempal ibu-ibu di depanku. Aku tidak ingin menerobos, si ibu itu pasti juga menunggu orang yang dicintainya. Pukul 10.00 sudah banyak orang berjalan keluar dari pintu kedatangan. menyambut dan disambut oleh orang-orang yang setia menunggu mereka. sekali pun itu, aku belum melihatmu.  Nan, sudah pukul 10.35 apakah kopermu belum datang? Apa kau terlalu pusing hingga harus minum sebotol soda di dalam? Bandara mulai sepi dan kerumunan yang menanti pesawat berikutnya telah datang. Aku mencoba menghubungimu berkali-kali, tapi kau tidak menjawab panggilanku. 19 kali. Nihil. Bahkan nomormu tidak aktif, Kau ...

“I can’t sleep. Again. Help me. I think too much.” She said desperately. I watched her barely breathing, trying to swallow all the oxygen around us. I kept silent. “stop trying.” I said, “you need to let it go sometimes, just like smoking, if you keep the smoke in your mouth, you’ll get a terrible cough.” I continued. “I don’t smoke.” Said she. “that’s a metaphor, you silly.” I brushed her hair. “just like us, we are not real,” “Of course, we are real, our relationship is real, at least my love towards you is real.” She restrained. “I love you.” “sweetheart, if we are real, they could see me, and they won’t laugh at you.” “I’m sorry dear, are you okay? Who are you talking to? Are you lost? What are you doing here alone?” someone interrupted us. “I think it’s time for you to let me go, good night  love.” And I vanished away.

We were talking, I looked at the ceiling, while you told me your problems. I did not know what to say or react. I am afraid if my opinion is the least you wanted to hear. I turned my position against you. In case you could see my colors. It was my turn to tell my deepest guilty pleasure. Hannah Baker killed herself and gave thirteen reasons why she did what she did. I also have more than thirtheen reasons why I hate something enormously. There's always a trigger why and how you did an action. Like how Hannah got rape engender her to cut herself and drowned in her own blood. My trigger to being in a hater club was the impact that changed me into someone I don't want to be. I hate it for that. desperately hate it. It was silence still. you sush me and told me to sleep

I found a new word today, it called EPEOLATRY. Do you know what it means? It means ‘the worship of words’. Don’t you think it is a beautiful word? I would say that I am Epeolatry. Since I fell deeply into words. Words move me, change me, create my thinking. Words control me. Let’s talk about poems. Poems always astonished me, they can show your feelings and fears. They replaced the emptiness with meanings. Like a love of a mother, poems did not show you what they meant. They transfer it to you by touching your heart. Have you ever feel so sorrow after you read that last message he gave you? The one you loved? Or maybe you still loving until the last millisecond I told you? You cried miserably. Your tears won’t stop like a river flows in the cold autumn. You were speechless, not because you’re tongue-tied nor you were run out of words. There were too much words in your mind, your lungs filled with tears, your heart almost exploded. And there you were, writing them and turned them...

“ Py, balik yuk. ”                 “ Nanggung Gab, bentar lagi sunrise . ”                 Malam itu kita tidak tidur, sebenarnya aku mengantuk, kau pun juga. Namun, keadaan membuat kita tidak tidur. Semuanya chaos , suasana yang awalnya penuh gelak tawa menjadi masalah yang mempermainkan hati dan perasaan. Hancurnya  kebahagiaan yang awalnya memenuhi percikan cahaya remang api unggun di mata kita. Itulah yang kau rasakan. Bagiku, semuanya terasa berbeda.                 Chaos memang, kacau balau, tanpa ampun. Akan tetapi, semua pengalaman baru ini membuatku memiliki pandangan yang berbeda. Bagaimana bourbon dan amer membuat seseorang memuntahkan semua kata yang membebaninya. Bagaimana pendanganku berubah terhadap gadis perokok yang ternyata seorang ...